www.hornallanderson.com/blog/ha-swingers-softball-report-7-23---world-champions

HA “Swingers” Softball Report 7/23 - World Champions!

POSTED BY on Jul 24, 2015

(Commentary courtesy of Jordan Lee.)

 

The Swingers took the top seed in the playoffs with their nine win season with only one loss. This record earned them a first round bye in the playoffs. This season was the best performance ever by a Swingers team and everyone felt like destiny was on their side.
 
There were no miracle Seahawks-style victories, only outing after outing of solid defense and determination. Sure, they were flashy and boisterous, racking up Mercy Wins like building permits for five-story apartment buildings in Seattle, but this year’s overriding tone was “Bring It!”
 
The playoff schedule had the semi-final matchup of the Swingers vs. Peformance Enhanced. It is unclear who the ownership group is for Performance Enhanced (Pe), but sources say Pe is developing a superhuman cellular compound that allow humans to morph into sharks when exposed to sunlight.
 
When the Swingers last faced Pe, the Mercy Rule was imposed as the Swingers sent Pe back to the lab looking for answers. Tonight Pe came out strong in the first inning with some key at bats from a couple of Aussies who may be patients as well as team members.
 
The Swingers, got a late boost from Amy “Welcome Back” Carter, who missed the start time due to appointment overrun with her manicurist and her sports psychologist.  Carter crushed the ball with timely hits to sustain rallies and get those runs on the board.
 
Filling in for Alesia “The Crusher” McVey, soon to be Alesia Wilkens, was a national star who was such a late addition she is only known as “The Other Katie.” On defense, the giant sucking sound heard was Katie vacuuming up the infield like a Dyson test facility.
 
Talk of “We’re gonna need a bigger boat…” could be heard from the Pe dugout as the the Swingers built an insurmountable lead. The Swingers went Mama Orca on the Great White wannabes, finishing Pe’s season. The final score was 15 to 6, Swingers as they moved to the Championship Game.
 
Much can be said about the great rivalries in sports. Lakers V. Celtics, Yankees V. Red Sox, Man U V. Man City, Mariners V. Themselves, but the rivalry that has developed between the Swingers and Fund of Fun (FoF) has grown faster than a mortgage crisis. FoF sees the Swingers as a bunch of rag-tag hipsters who talk way too much Sh*t. The Swingers see the FoF as a bunch of carpetbaggers without soul, and no appreciation for the absurd. Tonight, there was enough animosity and pride on the line to ensure a wild outcome.
 
After a scoreless first inning, both teams were concerned that The Championship would be decided based on which team made the most mistakes. However, both offenses did pick up the pace in the second inning with the Swingers leading 2 to 4.  
 
Defensively, adjustments had to be made as multiple injuries plagued the Swingers. Emma “OK, it is…” Hunsaker, who had been nursing a hamstring, took a blow to the head with a foul tip. FoF tried to prove they were not animals and supplied ice to the wounded Swinger. She would return to the line-up on offense and defense.
 
Also injured was yours truly, attempting to bare-hand a ground ball in the infield. The ball came up and jammed my mousing-finger (hence the delay in my report). I would return to the game, however only on offense.
 
The bats blazed in the 4th inning when the Swingers scored eight unanswered runs and took a commanding lead. This brought the skepticism of the bean-counters from the FoF who came to the Swingers dugout to perform a full audit of the books documented by the Swingers' Manager/Scorekeeper/Pitcher/Bottle-washer, Jay “Skipper” Hilburn. After what seemed to be a 10 minute delay, play was resumed.
 
The play that seemed to take out the final dollar of hope from the Fund of Fun was a infield hit by Bobby “Not-Dustin-Ackley." The ball was hit sharply and knocked down by the pitcher, but after picking up the ball, the speed of Not-Ackley would have him safe at first. The FoF pitcher, who calls himself “The Rifleman,” thought he had a chance to make the play at first and hurled it wide of the baseman and into right-field. Not-Ackley, even after overrunning first base by a good 30 feet, turned on the afterburners and scored on the error. Amazing.
 
The smothering Swingers defense was too much for the Fund of Fun and they were unable to mount a serious comeback. The FoF’ers seemed disoriented and stunned as they waited for a government bailout, that was not to take place. The Swingers took The Championship with their decisive victory and a final score of 15 to 7.
 
All season, there was never any doubt in the Swingers mindset; it was always just about the next game. With another Championship Trophy in the case, they look ahead to next season, or possibly the fall league to continue their meteoric rise. Like Pluto, they are finally receiving the recognition of their peers now that they have been observed in the wild.

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